Monday, February 22, 2010

Clap for the Wolfman...

Well, I did it. I finally broke down and went to see "New Moon." I'll admit, I was giddy with excitement thinking about how much fun I had at "Twilight." I'm not a big fan of the books.
In fact, I'm not a fan of them at all. Cassidy, Whitney, Kim and I had such fun at "Twilight" mocking the ever-pale Mr. Cullen as he pouted and flew and glistened and strutted his stuff around Forks. It did have it's high points. Vampire baseball is awesome to watch, especially when accompanied by Muse's Supermassive Black Hole. Edward's grey pea coat is a 'must-have' for all the best dressed vampires on the planet. And, when it comes to neck-breaking, SNAP! Those vampires have that down to a science. So, I really was looking forward to an evening with Cassidy, and again, the lovely Miss Kimberly. At the last minute, Cassidy's friend Ryan came along for the ride. Short of wearing a trench coat and dark glasses to camoflage himself in a theater filled mainly with pre-teen girls and over-age women with a fetish for all things Edward/Jacob, he was about to be introduced to the world of Vampires and Werewolves. My "New Moon" review is as follows:
1. Edward was even a whiter shade of pale in this sequel. Skin the color of Elmer's paste in a jar is NOT attractive. Not on anyone. Especially not on Robert Pattinson. And his lips are that unhealthy magenta color. ICK!
2. Bella, oh Bella, two questions: 1-Why are you such a whiner? No girl I know sits around for 6 months mourning her lost vampire love. Most girls would've gotten up off of the couch, bought some motorcycles, and found a werewolf mechanic. Oh, wait, You did that. 2-Why are you such a player? Get over yourself already. How many girls on the planet can say they have been loved by both a vampire and a werewolf? Make up your mind. I just want to slap you for using Mr. Lautner and then flying off to Italy to meet up with 3 of the baddest looking dudes/vampires I have ever seen just to save your dead boyfriend from coming out of the vampire closet. Have a heart. Werewolves have feelings, too.
3. Speaking of werewolves, I have just three words for Taylor. Nice. Hair. Cut. Not since Michael Bolton has any man ever had worse looking long hair than you. Four more words. Put your shirt on. I'll make it five words. Put. Your. Shirt. On. NOW! And while we're talking about werewolves, those 'man-pree' pants were ridiculous. When transforming from shirtless man into a fake animatronic wolf, I hear gym shorts made of spandex are easier and not as binding. Just a thought. Smooth move, though, in the theater scene when you just grabbed Bella's hand in a flash. I could tell she liked it. A Lot. Plus, taking a girl to a movie called FACE PUNCH buys a lot of points with the ladies. Ryan is still asking when that is coming out on video.
4. The dialogue in this movie was so contrived and predicatable. I'm surprised we weren't kicked out of the theater for how many times we had to repeat what the characters were saying, if only for humor's sake. At one point I said OUT LOUD, "It's not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way." The people behind us were laughing so hard they couldn't stop.
5. That Dakota Fanning makes a wicked looking baby vampire. I DO NOT want to ever meet up with her in an Italian-esque cathedral. And her three Volturi friends. Bad. Dudes. Bad. Hair. Bad Robes. Bad. Bad. Bad.
6. The scenery was pretty. I wish I had a forest behind my house where I could fly through trees, or just lay in the grass for hours surrounded by flowers and vampires.
7. The best part of the movie for me, THE. End. Before it was over, it felt as if we had actually fallen into a Supermassive Black Hole. The soundtrack disappointed, and I expected a little more substance and plot. If I had to choose Team Edward or Jacob, I think I'll go with Jacob. In my opinion, tan is always better than pasty white. Always!


KJ said...

I'm still laughing. still. Poor Edward. He envies Juliet her suicide. Poor broken bella. have pity on her. she' not whole, you know, without mr. pasty buns. Speaking of elmer's glue---maybe he swallowed some when his teeth were glued shut?

Sandy said...

Great review! I haven't seen the movie yet... I am not one of 'those'. :) I remember Rach and I reading 'New Moon' together, laughing hysterically throughout and being amazed that any girl can fall in 'love' with a cold, hard, stone 'vampire', let alone mourn for him... What's the fun in that? I am sure I could laugh my way through the movie, if only I could get Rach to go see it with me! ;)