Saturday, September 5, 2009

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

...and now that's she's gone, she has taken her sunshine with her.

Cassidy left for college on Monday. Today is Wednesday. I have been composing this blog in my head for months now. Wondering what to say. Dreading the day I would actually have to say these two words. "She's gone." Some days I wonder, 'tell me, how am I supposed to breathe with no air, no air, no air?' My throat closes up every time I allow myself to think what it is going to be like for her not to be here. With me. Telling me her secrets. Laughing about Gilmore Girls and random Lorelai-ism's. Sharing her 'Stella-Fashion-Sense.' Reminding me that David Archuleta WILL be my future son-in-law. I miss more laughing. More secrets. That certain tone in her voice when a 'special' someone calls on the phone. And there are several. Special someone's. I miss her purse on the counter, and her shoes in the doorway, and her books spread randomly in every room of the house. I miss her early morning bathroom mess and the scent of her perfume. I miss her 'goodnight, mom, I love you.' I. Miss. Her. So. Much. 'I try to say goodbye and I choke. Try to walk away and I stumble. Though I try to hide it, it's clear, my world crumbles when you are not near.' Saying goodbye to one girl was hard enough. Saying goodbye to both of them is even harder. From the moment I first held each of them in my arms I knew that this day would come. I never expected it to come so soon. The day when there were no more girls in my house. Texas is so far away. Eighteen months (now only 15!) seems like an eternity. The distance from our driveway to Cassidy's apartment is only 25 minutes. And yet, it, too, seems like an eternity. Evan and Jaron give meaning to my feelings every time they sing, 'I can't take the distance. I can't take the miles. I can't take the time until I next see you smile." I miss their smiles. Both of them. I also want the best for my girls. Higher education. Adventures and world travel. Old friends and new. Broken hearts and dreams fulfilled. Husbands and families. Happiness to 'eternity and beyond.' All in due time. Allowing them to experience life involves letting them go. In the spirit of 'chin up' and 'things will only get better' and the obvious, 'it will be such a great experience for her (them, as in Whitney, too) I will share with you what "I know, I know, I know..."

***I know that Cassidy will be fabulous in college. After spending the day with her on Monday, it is evident that her 'gift' of making friends will serve her well. She includes anyone and everyone in her sunshine. Even if you only meet her for a brief moment, you will know that she is someone special, and she makes you feel even more special. It won't be long before the door to our house will open once again, with old friends and new acquaintances gracing our home with their smiles and laughter. All because Cassidy Shares. Her. Sunshine.

***I know that Cassidy will be an impressive student. She will study hard, do her best, and take advantage of all the learning possibilities that are now available to her. She is like a sponge. She's ready to live. She's ready to dream. She will absorb anything and everything that will bring her even closer to the divine potential that is within her. She's got hope.

***I know that she knows that her redeemer lives. I have watched her spiritually mature over the years into a wise and willing servant of her Heavenly Father. She knows that He loves her. She listens when He speaks to her. She obeys. He has great promises in store for her. She is preparing now for a marvelous and wonderful future. Her path is straight. Her feet are solid. She will always be there when He says, "Come, Follow Me." I am greatly blessed. I know that she knows.

As the days go on, my tears and no-breathing will start to subside. Knowing how happy and busy she is, I am thankful everyday she is where she wants to be, doing what she want to be doing...

'Cause now she's ready, yeah, she's ready, yeah she's ready to be 'extraordinary.'

p.s. Lest I have made this blog too sentimental, I have hidden different song titles and lyrics within my words. Find the most; win a prize. A special cd burned just for YOU. Full of great 'goodbye' songs to make you cry. Make a comment on my blog to play along, or e-mail me with your guesses. Have fun! And remember to promise me that sometimes, you will think of me.


Cody said...

This is such an amazing post. I too know that Cassidy will blossom in college (it's only day three and she already has). I would go back through and count the musical references, but the last thing I need right now is a CD full of songs to make me cry!

Karalee said...

Beautifully written and articulated. It's the weirdest thing to be SO happy and excited for them and SO sad for the hole in your life at the exact.same.moment. ((hugs)) for you. And Eli.

As to the song lyrics. Here goes:
1. Ain't no Sunshine by Bill Withers
2. She's gone - Hall&Oates
3. No Air - Jordan Sparks
4. I Try - Macy Gray
5. The Distance - Evan&Jaron
6. Extraordinary - Mandy Moore
*with a sprinkle of Hymns #136 and # 116 dusted in for spice ;)

Karalee said...

Oh no! I missed the one at the end from the Phantom...don't penalize me for a late answer.

Mrs. B said...

Very well written. I wish I could know Cassidy.
This is what I know, being a mom of four kids who have grown up and gone on their merry way: they come back.
They come back with their joys, their sorrows, their experiences, their new friends, their knowledge, their full grown testimonies, and with their children.
This is also what I know, it doesn't get any easier. Its kind of a bummer.

KJ said...

aint no sunshine
she's gone
no air
I try
the distance
come follow me
I know I know I know

I'm not so good with the artists
and I'm disturbed that cody said "blossomed"

Ginny Weasley-Potter said... I prepare to leave for class number three I have to wipe away tears. Mom...I can't even explain to you how much I love you and how grateful I feel that I can call you my Mom. I will see you on Saturday. Give Dad and Eli all my love!

Elizabeth said...

Hang in there, dear. I remember when my kids were little I loved the phase they were in and didn't want them to grow any older. I just wanted them to stay right where they were. Then they moved on to the next phase and guess what? I loved that phase just as much as the last one. This will be no different. You'll have to adjust a little, but you'll learn to love this phase just as much as the last one and the one before and the one before.

Deanna said...

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www ryandeannapoulsen blogspot com