...and now that's she's gone, she has taken her sunshine with her.
Cassidy left for college on Monday. Today is Wednesday. I have been composing this blog in my head for months now. Wondering what to say. Dreading the day I would actually have to say these two words. "She's gone." Some days I wonder, 'tell me, how am I supposed to breathe with no air, no air, no air?' My throat closes up every time I allow myself to think what it is going to be like for her not to be here. With me. Telling me her secrets. Laughing about Gilmore Girls and random Lorelai-ism's. Sharing her 'Stella-Fashion-Sense.' Reminding me that David Archuleta WILL be my future son-in-law. I miss more laughing. More secrets. That certain tone in her voice when a 'special' someone calls on the phone. And there are several. Special someone's. I miss her purse on the counter, and her shoes in the doorway, and her books spread randomly in every room of the house. I miss her early morning bathroom mess and the scent of her perfume. I miss her 'goodnight, mom, I love you.' I. Miss. Her. So. Much. 'I try to say goodbye and I choke. Try to walk away and I stumble. Though I try to hide it, it's clear, my world crumbles when you are not near.' Saying goodbye to one girl was hard enough. Saying goodbye to both of them is even harder. From the moment I first held each of them in my arms I knew that this day would come. I never expected it to come so soon. The day when there were no more girls in my house. Texas is so far away. Eighteen months (now only 15!) seems like an eternity. The distance from our driveway to Cassidy's apartment is only 25 minutes. And yet, it, too, seems like an eternity. Evan and Jaron give meaning to my feelings every time they sing, 'I can't take the distance. I can't take the miles. I can't take the time until I next see you smile." I miss their smiles. Both of them. I also want the best for my girls. Higher education. Adventures and world travel. Old friends and new. Broken hearts and dreams fulfilled. Husbands and families. Happiness to 'eternity and beyond.' All in due time. Allowing them to experience life involves letting them go. In the spirit of 'chin up' and 'things will only get better' and the obvious, 'it will be such a great experience for her (them, as in Whitney, too) I will share with you what "I know, I know, I know..."
***I know that she knows that her redeemer lives. I have watched her spiritually mature over the years into a wise and willing servant of her Heavenly Father. She knows that He loves her. She listens when He speaks to her. She obeys. He has great promises in store for her. She is preparing now for a marvelous and wonderful future. Her path is straight. Her feet are solid. She will always be there when He says, "Come, Follow Me." I am greatly blessed. I know that she knows.
p.s. Lest I have made this blog too sentimental, I have hidden different song titles and lyrics within my words. Find the most; win a prize. A special cd burned just for YOU. Full of great 'goodbye' songs to make you cry. Make a comment on my blog to play along, or e-mail me with your guesses. firstname.lastname@example.org Have fun! And remember to promise me that sometimes, you will think of me.